20th April - 15th August

20th April Early music choral concert in the church. Beautifully decorated for a wedding tomorrow, the church gate woven in ivy and purple flowers. I’m quite young compared with this audience, by a decade I’d say! Though the performers are probably some 20 years younger than me! ‘My soul is weary of my life’. Hyacinth scent floods the air of the cool church. Will they never quieten behind me? How much they can say about nothing.

18th June. Wind ripples a puddle on pembrey & burry port station and sometimes it sparkles as it catches the sun.
I remember putting myself in one of M’s coats – maybe two. I am glad that I did, a ghost of me will wrap around him during inclement weather. And the memory/ghost of the action stays with me in weather foul or fair.

The buddleia flowers see 21 June flofflach

A diary full of missing m, how silly but that is how it is. Can I really afford say a year or two of grief getting over it? No, so I shan't. What did he last text? ‘maybe one reads meaning into these events (me watching the new moon & venus). And those meanings re direct ones life’. Maybe they don’t. But I can choose to make symbols of experiences if I so wish. I wish there was a switch to redirect my life. Does he think that my feelings were so vague that they disappear? I have never loved so deeply, trusted (on nothing), been so committed. The idiot. We could be suffering blissfully together instead of miserably apart. Hmm exactly who is the idiot????
I keep getting a grip of myself but my grip slips, anyway as was demonstrated in occupational therapy, I don’t have much of a grip to start with.

Sunday June 27th
Could it actually be moving away a bit, sadness? Concentrating hard on learning to sing.

Off balance lamb on the tongue wrapped around his foot.

Pancakes and Yorkshire pudding:
4oz brown rice flour
½ pint soya/goat’s milk
2 – 4 eggs

missing François much, Montreal is a long way away.

Wash my eyelids in the rain

Take this longing from my tongue

flying ant day in London
I am not Cinderella it is gone midnight my bus is still a bus my primark still primark no pumpkin no mice no rats.

All fantasy is a failure of sensuality
Lewis Thompson The Deepest Ground

15th August
I find a new tea room exquisite and loose tea my first thought is to tell m my second that he doesn’t want to know. So long without him but there he is. Damn! Anyway I’ve joined a dating agency. Good. I found my horoscope for the day I joined something about getting out there!
The worst part is I feel that I learnt a whole new way of communicating – verbal written physical emotional, I really expressed myself but now he is gone I can’t use it. What was the point? It’s like finally learning to write when there is no-one left who can read. No, I have to believe there is a wonderful world out there, full of wonderful people. And I'm learning all the time. We're all in it together!

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